Ah, it finally feels like autumn is in full swing! October is probably my favorite month of the year. Between the festive and spooky decor, fall activities, Halloween costumes, events and celebrations, perfect weather, and fall fashion - October is abundant with magical moments. I firmly believe in romanticizing your life, and October makes it extremely easy to do so. 

This evening, I want to list all the things I love about fall and schedule a ton of activities (small and large) to soak up the season. I'm talking about trips to the farmers market, apple picking, baking days, cozy movie marathons, decorating, fall foliage trips, outdoor movie nights, and on and on. But for some reason, I keep hitting this huge wall of resistance that's telling me not to bother dreaming about the lifestyle I want because it's not going to happen. So I'm learning to sit with the doubt and sorrow and say "ok, I hear you brain, but these thoughts aren't facts or helpful so keep it moving brain. I'm not listening to those mean self-deprecating thoughts." 

I'm sure that waking up sick contributed to my negative thoughts spiral because all of my productive plans got thrown out the window. But at the same time, I'm learning to relish these slow days that force me to rest and are void of running around the city, void of heavy drinking, and therefore; void of crippling hangovers. So since my Sunday has been dedicated to catching up on sleep and rest, here are a few fun and frugal fall things I'm scheduling for myself this week: 

• Put up fall and Halloween decor 

• Sit down and create my budget for the rest of the year while treating myself to a pumpkin spice latte. 

• Make some extra cash through my favorite rating site - usertesting.com 

• Squeeze in a few pole and pilates classes this week (as long as I'm not sick) 

• Photograph and post all the fall pieces I've been trying to sell on curtsy 

• Spend Sunday planning and scheduling my upcoming week 

• Create my weekly menu and meal prep 

• Connect with new guys on dating apps... if I feel up to it. TBH, I HATE using dating apps, but I would love to find the right partner, and I'm aware that I need to put in the work to meet him. During the process, I keep reminding myself that what I'm seeking is also seeking me. So cheers to all of us who are focusing on cultivating healthy and happy relationships with ourselves and others. 

• Edit all the video footage I filmed last weekend. 

• Catch up on a few career and business masterclasses - I've been craving a mini fall work retreat via a pretty cabin in the woods. Imagine jetting off to a cute cabin in the woods and working on your dreams by the fireplace, sipping on a glass of wine, and looking out at a beautiful lake while the sun sets. DREAMY!!  I haven't been showing up for my some of my dreams lately and that's just not the type of person I want to be. I want to make myself proud and that starts with showing up for my business. 

• And last but certainly not least, planning my fall capsule wardrobe, I am in desperate need of all things leather - leather trench coat, leather pants, leather dresses and leather combat boots in multiple colors. Fall fashion is truly the best. 

Oh goodness, what a year it has been so far. I know I'm not the only one who has felt a lot of pressure this year so far. The pressure to reach a new level, heal from past demons and traumas, pressure to show up for myself in an extraordinary way, pressure to lose weight... the list goes on and on. But to sum it all up, the pressure comes down to expecting myself to have my sh*t together all at once, reach all my goals quickly and never disappoint myself. But that ain't how life works. I'm not perfect and neither are the people in my life. 

And that is what I need to constantly remind myself, that extending grace to others, and especially to myself is a skill that I am eager to master. I am starting to realize that consistently showing up for yourself can only be sustained once we learn how to forgive ourselves for showing up in the manner we wish. Quite a paradox, don't you think. The healthiest way to stop disappointing ourselves is to accept that we will disappoint ourselves from time to time and quickly enact self-forgiveness.

We are all just doing our best to figure it out. Every adult I know is dealing with intense external pressures... so why do we manage to add more pressure by beating ourselves up? And having crazy-high expectations for ourselves and for others isn't healthy or helpful. But that doesn't mean that abandoning our boundaries is ok either. That's the dance I'm trying to figure out: extending grace while also upholding boundaries and learning how to hold my own hand through hard chapters. I have NOT figured out how to do this yet, but I am taking small steps each and every day to slowly master this. So here are just a few ways I try to cut myself some slack when things get hard and heavy.

How I extend myself grace when I disappoint myself or just feel overwhelmed: 

1. I gravitate towards a mental health/ mindset podcast. One of my absolute favorites was Imani State of Mind. She no longer records, but I still go back to binge listen to her 38 episodes. Dr. Imani is a psychiatrist who candidly talked about all traumas we were collectively experiencing but she and her co-podcaster always managed to discuss these serious topics with a refreshing note of humor. I also love the School of Self Image Podcast. Whenever I listen to one of Tonya's mindset-focused episodes, I instantly feel lighter. She is ALL about extending ourselves grace. 

2. Journal and cry. There's no way around this. It's inevitable. I tend to bottle up a lot of emotions and then I implode and then I sink into a funk after imploding. And I hate this habit of mine. It's one I have to actively work against. It also got the best of me this weekend and that is because I have been avoiding a lot of my tense emotions. I was even using my alcohol cleanse as a shield from my emotions. Because I wasn't drinking, I was filling a lot of my time with what I thought were productivity activities. But in reality, I was keeping myself super busy and shoving all my fear, pain, guilt, anxiety, shame, anger, frustrations and overwhelm deep down and telling myself that everything was fine. Lol nah it wasn't. So once again, I was reminded that I need to journal and process my emotions. 

3. Do the bare minimum for a day or two. Ok, here me out, sometimes, when you are feeling really low and exhausted (for me that's always after a day of over-drinking and only a few hours of sleep lol Nia when will you learn?) you really need to accept that your best today is not going to be amazing. The only thing you can do is take it one task at a time and not freak out about the results of whatever you are working towards. 

4. Set a timer and clean for 15 minutes. Put on music and clean. You will feel better. You just will. 

5. I cook an easy, yet relatively, healthy meals and just focus on leisurely enjoying them. This is one of my favorite tricks because it makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself. So even if I don't get anything else on my to-do list done that day, at least I took care of my body and I saved money by cooking at home. 

Idk about you, but I certainly keep creating the same problems in my life over and over because I am still struggling to grant myself grace. I am learning that life will always put pressure on us, but the more grace we extend towards ourselves, the more pressure we can endure, and baby, diamonds are born out of pressure. We can totally do this. Wishing you all the love and a peaceful Sunday! 

Photo by Ellieelien

And just like that, another year has come and gone. I am so grateful that my friends, family and myself made it through the year. Last year brought highs and lows for all of us. Last year, it felt like all I could do was survive. I ignored a lot of my problems and let fear guide my actions. And letting fear control me did NOT set me up for success. But for the first time ever, I had this week between Christmas and NYE off. Although I still logged on for a few tasks daily, instead of using this week to "get my life together" and set really high, overwhelming expectations for myself, I spent time mentally and physically resting, like a lot. 

And instead of running from the fear and pain, I embraced it. It wasn't fun in the midst; actually it really f*cking sucked, but I now feel so relieved. And best of all, by embracing my pain and fear, I also have a new sense of courage. Not because my fear and anxiety about the future magically disappeared. I'm still freaking terrified. I have a lot to focus on and a lot to build, but the courage comes from being scared and taking action anyway. showing up for myself, my friends, and my family anyway. Paving my own way in my career, love life and personal life based on my own rules and not what society tells me I should do. 

I'm curious and slowly getting excited for what this year will bring. Last year, I really struggled with maintaining faith in myself and the path of life I'm on. But now I'm ready to pour back into myself and my spirituality. This year my intention is to work on rebuilding my faith. Faith in myself, faith in my spiritual life, faith in my career path, and faith in the relationships I build with others. And a lesson that I've learned the hard way is that, in order for me to have faith in myself and in life, I have to stop biting off more than I can chew. I need to build without burning out. Slowly but surely, step by step, I'll build the positive mental mindset I need to create the life I want, and so will you. We can do this. Cheers to a year full of love, safety, and prosperity. Until next time my friend.