Oh goodness, what a year it has been so far. I know I'm not the only one who has felt a lot of pressure this year so far. The pressure to reach a new level, heal from past demons and traumas, pressure to show up for myself in an extraordinary way, pressure to lose weight... the list goes on and on. But to sum it all up, the pressure comes down to expecting myself to have my sh*t together all at once, reach all my goals quickly and never disappoint myself. But that ain't how life works. I'm not perfect and neither are the people in my life.
And that is what I need to constantly remind myself, that extending grace to others, and especially to myself is a skill that I am eager to master. I am starting to realize that consistently showing up for yourself can only be sustained once we learn how to forgive ourselves for showing up in the manner we wish. Quite a paradox, don't you think. The healthiest way to stop disappointing ourselves is to accept that we will disappoint ourselves from time to time and quickly enact self-forgiveness.
We are all just doing our best to figure it out. Every adult I know is dealing with intense external pressures... so why do we manage to add more pressure by beating ourselves up? And having crazy-high expectations for ourselves and for others isn't healthy or helpful. But that doesn't mean that abandoning our boundaries is ok either. That's the dance I'm trying to figure out: extending grace while also upholding boundaries and learning how to hold my own hand through hard chapters. I have NOT figured out how to do this yet, but I am taking small steps each and every day to slowly master this. So here are just a few ways I try to cut myself some slack when things get hard and heavy.
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How I extend myself grace when I disappoint myself or just feel overwhelmed:
1. I gravitate towards a mental health/ mindset podcast. One of my absolute favorites was Imani State of Mind. She no longer records, but I still go back to binge listen to her 38 episodes. Dr. Imani is a psychiatrist who candidly talked about all traumas we were collectively experiencing but she and her co-podcaster always managed to discuss these serious topics with a refreshing note of humor. I also love the School of Self Image Podcast. Whenever I listen to one of Tonya's mindset-focused episodes, I instantly feel lighter. She is ALL about extending ourselves grace.
2. Journal and cry. There's no way around this. It's inevitable. I tend to bottle up a lot of emotions and then I implode and then I sink into a funk after imploding. And I hate this habit of mine. It's one I have to actively work against. It also got the best of me this weekend and that is because I have been avoiding a lot of my tense emotions. I was even using my alcohol cleanse as a shield from my emotions. Because I wasn't drinking, I was filling a lot of my time with what I thought were productivity activities. But in reality, I was keeping myself super busy and shoving all my fear, pain, guilt, anxiety, shame, anger, frustrations and overwhelm deep down and telling myself that everything was fine. Lol nah it wasn't. So once again, I was reminded that I need to journal and process my emotions.
3. Do the bare minimum for a day or two. Ok, here me out, sometimes, when you are feeling really low and exhausted (for me that's always after a day of over-drinking and only a few hours of sleep lol Nia when will you learn?) you really need to accept that your best today is not going to be amazing. The only thing you can do is take it one task at a time and not freak out about the results of whatever you are working towards.
4. Set a timer and clean for 15 minutes. Put on music and clean. You will feel better. You just will.
5. I cook an easy, yet relatively, healthy meals and just focus on leisurely enjoying them. This is one of my favorite tricks because it makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself. So even if I don't get anything else on my to-do list done that day, at least I took care of my body and I saved money by cooking at home.
Idk about you, but I certainly keep creating the same problems in my life over and over because I am still struggling to grant myself grace. I am learning that life will always put pressure on us, but the more grace we extend towards ourselves, the more pressure we can endure, and baby, diamonds are born out of pressure. We can totally do this. Wishing you all the love and a peaceful Sunday!
Happy 2022: A Year of Intention and Faith
January 2, 2022
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| Photo by Ellieelien |
And just like that, another year has come and gone. I am so grateful that my friends, family and myself made it through the year. Last year brought highs and lows for all of us. Last year, it felt like all I could do was survive. I ignored a lot of my problems and let fear guide my actions. And letting fear control me did NOT set me up for success. But for the first time ever, I had this week between Christmas and NYE off. Although I still logged on for a few tasks daily, instead of using this week to "get my life together" and set really high, overwhelming expectations for myself, I spent time mentally and physically resting, like a lot.
And instead of running from the fear and pain, I embraced it. It wasn't fun in the midst; actually it really f*cking sucked, but I now feel so relieved. And best of all, by embracing my pain and fear, I also have a new sense of courage. Not because my fear and anxiety about the future magically disappeared. I'm still freaking terrified. I have a lot to focus on and a lot to build, but the courage comes from being scared and taking action anyway. showing up for myself, my friends, and my family anyway. Paving my own way in my career, love life and personal life based on my own rules and not what society tells me I should do.
I'm curious and slowly getting excited for what this year will bring. Last year, I really struggled with maintaining faith in myself and the path of life I'm on. But now I'm ready to pour back into myself and my spirituality. This year my intention is to work on rebuilding my faith. Faith in myself, faith in my spiritual life, faith in my career path, and faith in the relationships I build with others. And a lesson that I've learned the hard way is that, in order for me to have faith in myself and in life, I have to stop biting off more than I can chew. I need to build without burning out. Slowly but surely, step by step, I'll build the positive mental mindset I need to create the life I want, and so will you. We can do this. Cheers to a year full of love, safety, and prosperity. Until next time my friend.
Weekend Self-Care Scavenger Hunt
July 31, 2021
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| Photo by Shayna Douglas |
Another glorious weekend is here! The closer we get to fall, the more I value having a soothing and restorative weekend. Life seems to be picking up pace quite quickly. Our schedules are filling up again. Our time is in higher demand, but I think we all learned the beauty of slowing down over the past year. Unfortunately, it can be really easy to forget to make time for (or strickly feel like you don't have the energy) the things that bring us peace and replenish our cups.
Hence this weekend's self-care scavenger hunt. I'm using it as a fun and simple way to romanticize my weekend before heading into another chaotic and busy work week. Whether you're job hunting, grinding away at a corporate job, building a business, or dedicating your days to raising a family, we are all working very hard and giving so much of our time, energy and love to others. We deserve to show up for ourselves in the most loving way possible too.
I'm dying to know what's on your self-care checklist this weekend! Let me know in the comments or over on IG! And thank you so much for taking a moment of your day to read this post. Your support means the world to me. And please share this post with anyone whom you think would enjoy it. The more positive people in our virtual circle, the better. Until next time my friend.
Mental Spring Cleaning
April 16, 2021
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| Bianka Csenki |
- Overspending/ignoring my budget - like Nia STOOPPPP IT!!!
- Wasting each weekend away by drinking and over socializing instead of focusing on my dreams. I want a healthy balance of socializing and having fun while also setting aside time to focus on my goals
- Smoking weed or drinking instead of dealing with my problems. Weed is legal here, so in moderation, it's great! But when I use it to avoid my emotions... then it becomes an issue.
- Emotionally eating... yeah, this has always been an issue for me, but it really ramped up during covid.
- Procrastinating on my dreams. This is the worst bad habit of them all because it is the catalyst that leads me to all the other terrible habits I turn to in order to distract myself from feeling disappointed in myself... lol, oops.
- Giving guys who don’t act like gentlemen or are just not good fits for me a second chance. As each day passes, the more appealing it sounds to just start a family on my own in 5 to 7 years and just avoid the dating drama. And if I get a puppy, then I won't feel lonely.
- Staying up past my bedtime on weeknights! I know that staying up late is like a domino effect for disaster. Because then I wake up late, destroy my room looking for everything in a frenzy and skip my morning routine. Then I spend money on unhealthy food because I don't have enough time to make food before running to the office (I go into the office 2/3 of the week) and maybe skip the gym if I'm too tired after work. Yeah... I need to break the cycle.
So I sat down and made a list of the things I need to prioritize weekly in order to feel at peace. But unlike in the past where I create these unrealistic expectations for myself and then feel disappointed with myself when I don’t meet them, I’m making a rule for myself that I only have to do one thing a day to move in the right direction. Just one!!
And then once I am in a space where I have more energy and more self-trust, I can kick things up a notch. But for now, slow and steady is the only way I’m going to win my race. Fuck everyone else on social media. Fuck comparing our journeys, our timelines, our milestones to theirs. We don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes and tbh, focusing on them is just distracting us from focusing on our own fabulous lives!
I love creating little brain dumps of things that bring me joy and that keep me on track to becoming the woman I know I can be (aka a woman with healthy habits). These are the things that I need to do each week in order to feel proud of myself:
- Dance class (by far one of my favorites!)
- ⁃Cardio workout class like Pilates, Ass & Abs or a HITT class
- Biweekly photoshoots (plan shoot one week and create content the next week)
- One blog post a week. I miss proving to myself that I can be consistent with something that brings me so much joy and moves my career in the right direction.
- BUDGET!! It’s time to be an adult and say no to overspending and yes to focusing on my financial freedom journey.
- Weekly bedroom clean-up; the messy chaos I’ve been living in does not breed a tranquil environment.
- Weekly meal prep - this is imperative for my fitness journey and my financial wellbeing.
- Daily morning and bedtime guided meditations/short inspiration sessions through sanity and self. I actually can’t fall asleep without this app. It helps me ward off my nightly anxiety spirals about being poor, homeless, or single for the rest of my life (lol anxiety is a hoot, isn’t it).
We will experience so many chapters in life, and not all of them are comfortable. But that’s just a sign that we are on the path to greatest and growing... because growth in itself is uncomfortable. We are being pulled to a higher level each time that pit in our stomach tells us to run towards that thing that terrifies but also energizes us. Our new sense of self is right around the corner. I can’t wait to step into the version of myself that smiles every time I look in the mirror... in fact, I think today is that day. Yesterday I was 100% ready to smash my mirror because I didn't like what I saw, and I don't like treating myself that way. I'm done with the self-mistreatment Loving ourselves the right way is a full-time job, but it’s the most important job we will ever have.
What’s on your mental spring cleaning list this season? Sending you all the love and self-care in the world today. Welcome to our new season of loving ourselves to the fullest. We're in this together.
Weekend Reset: Finding My Way Back Through Wanderlust
August 8, 2020 New York, NY, USA
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| Photo by Adele Payman |
Weekly Muses: 5 Things Helping Me Smile
June 15, 2020
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| Photo by Kate Hliznitsova on Unsplash |
Here’s a short but sweet list of things that have been helping to boost my mood lately. I think we are all fighting for our sanity right now, so seeking a little mental escape is much needed.
- Binge Watching Buffy. I always gravitate to this show when I’m feeling “off”. The moodiness of the show mixed with the dark humor and the action-packed scenes just helps me feel a sense of calmness.
- Window Shopping. I’ve been craving a few new workout sets and lingerie sets. What I really want are lace shorts with a matching lace cami so I can feel glam while lounging around the house. I’m just waiting for the quality sets I’ve found to go on sale because this is totally just a want and not a need. I’m doing a lot better with managing my shopping habit and thinking about how I spend my money.
- Outdoor Furniture Browsing. Ah there are so many things I have my eye on. I know I need to buy things slowly so I don’t spend irresponsibly, but here are a few items on my radar.
- The Sanity and Self app. I downloaded it last week and am really, really liking it. It targets so many mental wellness issues I struggle with and it’s WAAAAAAYYYYY cheaper than therapy lmao. There are multiple, short and sweet, seven-day courses that focus on loneliness while being single, loneliness while being in a relationship, self-compassion, living mindfully even when you’re super busy, etc. It’s my latest obsession.
- Glam Evening-Wear. I’ve always loved evening-wear. There is just something so glamorous, elegant and aspirational about the sexy silhouettes, silky fabrics and chic colors that make me feel excited and confident. As soon as I can dine in restaurants and go to evening events again, you can totally assume that I will be dressing to the nines. Dressing up is fun, and I fully believe in taking extra steps to turn ordinary life experiences into magical ones… and fashion is a great tool for adding a little “umph” to the day.
A Tactical Tool For Finding Happiness Right Where We Are
April 24, 2020
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| Photo by Brigitte Tohm |
Today I wanted to share one of my favorite tools for getting out of my head and finding joy/contentment with my current place in life. I have to admit that I do not use this tool nearly as much as I should, but every time I do, I usually feel so relieved.
If you are anything like me, you have a million thoughts buzzing around in your mind most of the time. I know personally, there are a billion things I want to see, experience, overcome, and achieve during my life. Sometimes those thoughts seriously overwhelm me. Kind of to a point where it's crippling... then I end up lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling and having a despair party (which is different than a pity party because I don't feel like a victim - but instead, I feel like a loser who is self-sabotaging my life). Long story short, these episodes are always caused by the same destructive thoughts:
- "I'm not good enough."
- "I'm not doing enough."
Oy, Nia. We've been down this road soooo many times. I know those thoughts are not facts. I know they don't serve me. I know I've dedicated a lot of time in the past to overcome them... but the shitty thing is, I will constantly have to overcome these same two limiting beliefs. And so will you. That's just how life works, unfortunately. The fact that self-doubt will always be something I battle isn't really the issue. Bad thoughts come and go. Bad days are inevitable. It's only a problem when I let these thoughts consume me and let them rob me of being present or finding joy throughout the day. And my favorite tactic to prevent this from happening is to sit down and do something called a "brain dump".
Eventually, I want to develop the habit of doing a brain dump every single morning because this is one of my top anxiety-fighting skills. But hey, I'm far from having my shit together all the time, so I give myself grace (another thing I want to do much more often). In a gist, this is how a brain dump works. Every single thought swarming around in your mind, you write that bad boy down. That includes everything on your to-do list, that random book you've been wanting to read, things you want to cook for dinner, all the mean thoughts you've been telling yourself, that new job/career industry you think you want to explore, that dating interest you want to tell-off because he/she ghosted you.... literally every single thought that is draining your energy/focus. Write it down, in no particular order. Just as it flows to you (or record yourself talking if you don't feel like writing). I like to start with one big, messy list, and then take multiple sheets of paper and create categories such as: blog, fitness, dance/pole, career, cooking, mental health, entertainment, finances, love life, home decor/cleaning, etc.
Now after you have all of those thoughts out of your head, no longer distracting you, the fun part begins. It is time to prioritize that list! Yeah!!!!! Wooooo!! Why is this so fun for me? Because it helps me calm down and realize that I do not need to accomplish everything on this list so quickly. And it helps me pinpoint what actually matters for that day. I personally only choose 1-7 things to focus on each day. On days when I'm really depressed, I only have one priority and I'm ok with that. It's not like I've ever gone through a covid-19 total shutdown before. On other days when I feel really energetic and healthy, I can mindfully commit to tackling 3-7 of my top priorities. It ebbs and flows.
Check-in with your emotions and take note of what your emotional/physical and financial needs are for the day. Are your basic needs met (food, shelter, transportation, utilities)? Do you feel sick or injured? How emotionally drained are you? Do you have enough money to buy food for next week or pay rent? Do you have extra energy that you can dedicate to a small task such as cleaning your room, doing a 10-minute workout, or having a 5-minute journaling session?
Once you have checked in and reset your perspective, you can prioritize and pick a few things to focus on. Here is a short example of my braindump today:
- finish Financial Peace University before free trial runs out (3)
- write and publish blog post (2)
- fill out one page of my "52 Lists of Happiness" journal (4)
- update budget (4b - can do tomorrow if I start feeling too drained)
- *note to self: take a mental break from dating apps because talking to all these fuck boys is draining me instead of being a source of entertainment/fun. (5)
- write down my reading wish list (7)
- vacuum apartment (1)
- at-home mani/pedi (6a - do at the same time as #6)
- promote blog post on Pinterest and IG (2b)
- start Pinterest marketing course (9 - can start next week)
- catch up on Blackish (one of my favorite tv shows) (6)
- read for 20 minutes tonight (8)
- *note to self: skip dance classes today because my shoulder really hurts (5b)
Sunday Reads:How I'm Overcoming a Negative Mindset + Weekly Finds
September 29, 2019
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| Photo by Oscar Nord |
I'm starting to realize more and more each week that our attitudes can truly make or break our levels of happiness each day. Obviously, this is a "wise piece of advice" that we've all heard so many times. We just roll our eyes whenever some talks about the importance of attitude in a ted talk, podcast or we see an inspirational quote about it. I admit, I was stubborn for a very long time and didn't want to put in the effort to truly fix my attitude. It requires so much effort to stay positive and to manage our thoughts! We have so many of them every day, and honestly, most of my thoughts have been pretty freaking negative for most of 2019.
I felt like my circumstance should change first, and then I'll be more positive after I get "what I deserve," whatever that even means. After all, I work my butt off and put in a lot of effort in so many areas of my life, so where the fuck is the pay-off? This has been my train of thought. And I've spent a lot of time being angry, hostile and upset... but that really isn't working for me anymore. As I sat on my balcony, writing this post, something just clicked in my head. No, my life isn't anywhere near as put together as I would like for it to be. But repeating this cycle of having a great breakthrough, then having a setback, and then being disappointed in myself for not staying on track every single freaking day without accounting for the fact that I'm human and will always make mistakes is putting me in such a funk week after week. Do you see how self-destructive that train of thought is?
I've also been struggling with thinking that external circumstances will totally change my life and solve all of my problems. Once I make more money, find the right loving partner, grow my business, travel more, save more money, pay off all my debt, send more money home to help with my brother's insane medical bills, put more effort into my looks, get a dog, then I'll finally be happy. But once again, this is a toxic mentality to have because after I achieve all of this, I'll just have more goals and different problems. Why? Because problems are forever. Discomfort will always be a part of our lives, so I should stop trying to "fix all my problems" in such a neurotic manner. Like why do I crave instant gratification so much? I guess that's a topic for my therapist and me to dive into in October.
Will I ever stop pursuing my goals and dreams? Hell no! I think having something to strive for makes life sooo much more meaningful, but I am ready to change my attitude and stop resisting the fact that life will always have uncomfortable circumstances as we navigate adulthood. Dating in 2019 is fucking uncomfortable. Achieving more in our careers is fucking uncomfortable. Nurturing a mature and healthy, romantic relationship requires a lot of sacrifices, which is fucking uncomfortable. Getting out of debt is fucking uncomfortable... you get the point.
But also, changing our mindset is uncomfortable. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done because I have to work so hard at it, like every single fucking day, oy. But there's nothing else I'd rather put my energy into because if my mind isn't right, I'm so miserable and depressed. And when I get in a really dark space, it's hard for me to function, even on the smallest level. This is why I spend so much time listening to podcasts, reading self-help/career books and going to my dance classes and workout classes. I also understand that as life gets more and more stressful, I have to add more things to my wellness routine ie., reading more, writing and journaling more, creating more, exploring new neighborhoods and towns more, SAVING MORE MONEY, going to more cultural and networking events, dating myself more and spending more time in nature. Essentially, I have to take care of myself even when I'm exhausted and want to stay in bed all day. And you do too, booboo.
I hope you set aside 10 minutes today to make a small list of the most impactful activities you should add to your weekly routine to help you recharge. Maybe you spend your Friday nights having an at-home spa night instead of going out drinking. Maybe you go to Hobby Lobby or Michael's and pick up a few crafts to start working on. Maybe you set a weekly reminder to go read, paint or draw in the park for 30 minutes every Sunday. IDGAF what you add to your list, as long as it doesn't cost a lot of money and it helps you feel energized. It's ok if you only have one thing on your list for now, but as you start to prioritize your spiritual wellness more, you'll discover more activities that make you feel warm and giddy inside.
We can't keep overdrinking, overspending or overeating to avoid our utter misery - things I've been doing every freaking weekend this month, and these toxic patterns have been throwing me so off-balance. I'd rather accept that I have a lot of work and growth ahead of me, and that's not something I should feel ashamed about anymore. More money, a meaningful relationship, financial freedom and the ability to help my family navigate the insane health issue that has changed my brother's life will enter my life at the right time. In the meantime, I'll train myself to appreciate navigating these uncomfortable seasons, because once I conquer this season, I truly believe I'll be an unstoppable force and will be able to contribute to making the world a much better place. I have a feeling you'll be an unstoppable force too.
Woo; ok! Thanks for listening to my soap opera today. Now, here are a few things I've seen around the web lately that I think are worth mentioning. Hope you enjoy, and I hope you realize how much your support means to me! We are so going to make the rest of 2019 our bitch and add so much magic to our lives.
Favorite Finds and Links of the Week
- This book is at the top of my reading list because I've been feeling burned out recently. I can't wait to pick up Becoming Super Woman -A Simple 12 Step Plan to Go from Burnout to Balance, by Nicole Lapin. She also wrote Rich Bitch which was the first finance book I read and is still my favorite to date!
- An inspiring story from a woman who paid off $30K in credit card debt in 6 months!! Like damn!
- I'm so obsessed with all of these outfits in this blog post by NYC blogger Happily Ever Style! So chic and easy to throw on. Plus I NEED a brown velour maxi skirt
- Depression and anxiety are on the rise, but here is a helpful article about navigating the two in the workplace because we still gotta make money.
- If you need some inspo to help clean up your life this week, check out this post.
- I'm starting to build my fall wish list of things to buy myself (I have no shame), and I really want to invest in a beautiful pendant necklace that will last for years to come.
- Uh, I need a suede trench coat, and I'm loving this $20 one from Shein, this $60 one from H&M, this $125 one from River Island, and if you have a sugar daddy, you could invest in this statement coat from Talbots. It's certainly a piece you'll have for years to come.
- Here are 15 inspiring journal prompts to help you wind down this evening before bed.
- Also, for anyone who wants to get better at being your own best date, read this lovely post by Meghan Donovan. She is genuinely a sweet, intelligent and charming person who's dating advice I appreciate and respect.
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| Photo by Anton Darius | @theSollers |
Happy Sunday my friends. I'm glad that we survived another week in the office. Life has been... interesting as of late. I don't know about you, but I'm going through a pretty big transitional phase. And this has been my first chill and therapeutic weekend in about a month. I truly needed it. Because I live in the NYC area, I'm constantly pressuring myself to experience as much as possible and go, go, go! For the past month, I ignored how important it is to slow the hell down. I hope you carve out some time this evening to do just that. I also hope this post encourages you to create a serene atmosphere in your home this evening while you dive into the links below. And if you're interested, scroll to the bottom of this post to read about my shit show of a life. I guarantee it will make you feel better about your own.
- Reading List - I don’t care that Black History Month is over - these are still great books to read 24/7 365
- Here are a few more books I'm planning to read this year.
- Love is a Battlefield - Watch this if you're trying to get over a guy (aka me this week), and watch this if you're ready to focus on yourself instead of desperately looking for love. Hey, we've all been there.
- Turn that Frown Upside Down - Three simple ways to turn a bad day around.
- Ladylike - I really want this posture correcting device after reading Grace's review! My posture is so freaking bad!
- Pretty Little Things - I'm really digging this jewelry line! I might buy one or two necklaces this month.
- Fashion Icon - I love these quotes from the late Karl Lagerfeld
- I Wanna Get Away- I need a staycation ASAP! I want to check out these places.
- I'm also intrigued by this IG account I recently found. Seems right up my alley.
- Cookbook - I want to try this turmeric latte recipe like now.
- Freelance Life - I want to check out all the places on this list this season! I love working from inspiring, cool coffee shops in the city.
- Captain Planet - I never thought about the micro waste that we produce from washing our clothes that are made out of synthetic material... I am buying this little product asap.
- Work Bitch - Some career advice from Grace, who I respect
- Meme Me - Loving this meme account my friend Melody introduced me to!
- Get That Money - I love Rickey and he speaks the TRUTH in this funny and inspiring video #chasebagsnotlove
Shit Show Chronicles - Part 1
Weekly Highs and Lows
Lows
So... I was quite far from my best this week/weekend. I have been borderline distraught for the past two weeks, so I did what all self-respecting adults do... I drank instead of dealing with my emotions. Ooops. I go through waves of wanting to embrace my emotions and wanting to run from them. Well, this week was a fine example of why I shouldn’t run from them. Not only did I put myself in physical danger by overdrinking, but I ignorantly threw myself at men who blatantly showed me that they do not value or respect me. Did I handle these situations with class and grace? You bet your sweet ass that I did not! I went into meltdown mode instead of Michelle Obama mode. At least we live and we learn right?
This was also the first weekend that I've spent alone in over a year. Since becoming single, I have purposely stayed busy. I was constantly out with friends and crashing at their places to avoid being alone. So Friday night, I challenged myself to go home after my dance class and stay in for the night. Surprisingly, I had an amazing night to myself filled with Chick-Fil-A, journaling and binge-watching Sex and the City. I fell asleep extremely early (because I'm apparently an old maid now) and woke up feeling refreshed and on top of the world.
Saturday night, I was not so lucky. This is when all of the self-deprecating thoughts came rushing into my mind. I fell into a little spiral and woke up a few times throughout the night, but I realize how much I needed time to be sad and process my emotions. I woke up in a negative headspace, but once I told myself "hey girl, this is just a temporary emotion and it will pass," I was able to move on with my day and have an amazing Sunday! I used to be in the place where I was terrified to be single again, but I'm soooo much happier than I was a few months ago because I know that I am strong enough to take care of myself now. Before, I was really bad at taking care of myself.
Weekly Highs
I learned 3 things about myself during this week's trials and tribulations...
1. I CANNOT DRINK if I’m severely upset about something, and this week I was irrationally devastated over a guy and my career. Now I realize that if I drink before dealing with my issues, I will make bad decisions... every single damn time. Add a lack of sleep and additional hormones from my period to that equation and you get two manic episodes in the course of 5 days, featuring yours truly. I'm happy to report that I'm no longer beating myself up about these episodes; I’m actually quite relieved that I came to this conclusion. This is something I’ll probably deal with for the rest of my life. I now see what happens when I bottle everything up inside and then add alcohol on top of it.
2. I also realize that there’s nothing wrong with being sad or upset from time to time. I’m so terrified of going back to the mental place I was in during 2015-2017, but I’ve significantly grown since then. I’ve made similar mistakes as that version of me, but I’m not bed-ridden over guilt or self-hate anymore. I totally contribute this new mental grit/strength to the therapy sessions I sought out during 2018. I also still want to prioritize therapy and figure out how to make it fit into my budget. Paying that hefty price sucks, but it’s critical for me to take care of my mindset in order to thrive. I thought I could do it alone and I can’t. I am fine admitting that now.
3. My recent breakup is affecting me more than I thought it would. I have not used the past three weeks to focus on my dreams; instead, I’ve turned to men, alcohol and partying as a distraction from what I actually want in life! Why? Because I’m terrified that I’m going to fucking fail. The ironic part about this fear is, I'm allowing it to control my actions. Therefore, I'm acting like an immature, psychotic shit show. I’m not ok with that. I’m better than that. So now it's time for me to clean up my act. And I'm fully confident that I am doing just that. Obviously, I'm going to still make mistakes, but I highly doubt I'll make the same ones again.
Thank you so much for spending part of your day reading this post. I hope my messiness hopes you feel less alone if you've felt like a mess lately too. Sending you so much love and joy! Until next time my friend.
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