"The beautiful spring came; and when Nature resumes her loveliness, the human soul is apt to revive also." - Harriet Ann Jacobs

Spring is truly such a magical and enchanting season. The sunny, whimsical season completely breathes new life into me and restores my faith in myself when it comes to creating a life well-lived. For the past year, I've honestly felt so drained. Like I have nothing to give to myself and nothing to give to others. Like all hope in a brighter future is gone because I'm too "behind" in life.  And I hate that feeling; mainly because those thoughts are LIES. But also because I show up in my life and operate at a higher level when I'm navigating life with a positive mindset. And I hate that I lost that positive outlook for a prolonged period. 

 But lately…. I've felt a glimmer of my old self. The person who’s excited about life. Who finds small ways to romanticize even the most mundane parts of my day. The person who loves playing dress up and sees the good in the world. The person who creates vision boards of the places I want to travel to and window shops for the outfits I'll wear during these travels. The person who is excited to connect with others and pour love into the world. I’ve missed that version of me. But with the overdue warmth of spring, I’m starting to get her back. And I couldn't be more excited. 

This year has forced me to go through a cleansing era, so to speak. All the issues I'd been brushing under the rug are resurfacing, and I know this may sound masochistic, but I'm really grateful for the painful Spring Cleaning season I WAS experiencing (key word is was because we are speaking positivity over our lives today). 

Because I'm releasing so much heavy energy, I'm feeling so much lighter this season. And that means I'm able to show up for myself in the ways I was previously neglectful. One annoying thing I've come to accept about myself is that for me to continue feeling light, invigorated, and inspired, I have to take really good fucking care of myself and find ways to make the smallest, "boring" parts of my day euphoric and extraordinary. Showing up like that is hard work for someone who has chronic depression (aka me), but moving through the rough emotions and being disciplined with how I take care of myself is always, always, always worth the extra effort. 

I still have a lot of work to do to get back into the mindset of wholeheartedly believing in myself and in my dreams, and daydreaming about all the magical muses spring brings is a huge part of that process. 

Here are a few of my monthly muses that are restoring my soul:

1. Colorful dresses 
2. Pastel tweed sets 
3. Bright Pilates outfits 
4. Alfresco lunches 
5. Lavender ice lattes
6. Picnics in the park 
7. Long walks along the water 
8. Rooftop happy hours 
9. Open-towed shoes 
10. Trench coats 
11. Beautiful floral blooms 
12. Reading under a shady tree 
13. Outdoor paint & sip sessions
14. Dancing under the stars 
15. Dressing up for Sexy stiletto heels dance classes and pole dancing classes 
16. Relaxing in an outdoor pool during a spa trip 
17. Dirty martini breaks during shopping sprees 
18. Weekend getaways 
19. Podcast walks with fruit-infused water 
20. Garden dinner parties 
21. Outdoor lunch breaks 
22. Walking barefoot in the grass 
23. Sipping smoothies right after going to a workout class with a friend 
24. Fresh, dewy makeup looks 
25.  Dressing up for outdoor first, second, and third dates (and hopefully, more once I find love)
26. Picking out fresh fruit and veggies at the farmer's market 
27. Dancing the night away 
28. Meandering through one of the beautiful neighborhoods I live near (Paulus Hook, Hamilton Park, West Village, Cobble Hill, Dumbo, Tribeca, Soho, Brooklyn Heights, Harlem)
29. Purging my wardrobe and belongings during a fun spring cleaning weekend 
30. Discovering a waterfall on a beautiful hike 

I am in full-on holiday mode! I love the energy and coziness that sweeps over our communities every November and December. The decor, festive food and drinks, holiday movies, curling up with a book and sipping hot chocolate by the fire, these are small luxuries that I truly cherish. 

And now that I've fallen in love with dirty martinis (with extra olives), I just want to get dolled up and sip on one in a festive NYC bar. I adore dressing up. It makes me feel confident, and it makes every experience feel a tad more special. I love looking put-together and chic, but no outfit is complete without polished nails. And I just cannot justify paying $75+ to get a mani, especially when I get bored with nail styles so quickly. 

That's why I swear by press-on nails. I get a million compliments every time I wear them so... why blow my budget on manicure upkeep when I can pay $10-$20 for an amazing set that lasts 2+ weeks? But the key to a successful press-on manicure comes down to two things: nail quality and glue quality. My three favorite brands are Kiss, OPI, and Glamnetics. 

Kiss and OPI are available everywhere, and they have strong glue and fun styles. And you can't really beat the price! But Glamnetics reigns supreme. Their nails and glue are so strong, that I can actually open a can of soda with them... but they run about $20, so I try to stock up when they go on sale. I just feel like the baddest bitch when my nails look good, so this is a little luxury that I intend to keep for years to come. 

I am so excited for my next holiday outing because I'm going to try out a new festive nail style, sip my extra dirty martini, and enjoy the small moments that make life magical. 

Manis & Martinis: Shop my favorite martini glasses and press-on nails! 

 There's nothing more magical than fall in the city. The changing color of the leaves, sun-drenched picnics, THE FASHION!!! The energy in the air is electrifying. I find inspiration in every corner, and I want to embrace the enchantment of fall... without spending a sh$t ton of money. And all the successful people reiterate that, in order to create the life you want, you must envision it first. So that's precisely what I'm doing.

I want my dreams to become my reality. And I've been standing in my own way... because part of me struggles to believe that the life I want is possible for me. Self-doubt really isn't serving me... like at all. So I'm finally going to listen to all the people I admire and spend the evening visualizing what I want this fall. After all, this is my favorite time of the year, and life is too precious to let another fall go by without indulging in all the charm that surrounds us. 

Things I love about Fall     

• Cozy nights in with pizza, wine, cashmere socks, weighted blankets and fall movie/tv marathons 
• Candle-lit dinners with soulful music 
• Hot chocolate 
• Cinnamon rolls 
• Trench coats with mini dresses 
• Tall boots with mini skirts 
• Crunchy leaves beneath my feet 
• Jazz Clubs and dessert 
• Speakeasies 
• Chunky sweaters 
• Foliage hunting 
• Dressing up for the ballet or opera 
• Sunset happy hours 
• Sipping champagne by a roaring fireplace or fire-pit 
• Stoop decor 
• Sweaterdresses 
• Halloween Celebrations 
• Comic-Con 
• Fancy soups 
• Cozy bookstores with lounges 
• Dressing up and spending time at chic wine bars while listening to a live piano performance 
• Wine-tasting and vineyard hopping 
• Football tailgates 
• Thanksgiving food 
• Evening strolls 
• Pumpkin patches 
• Mulled wine 
• Blazers 
• Tweed jackets 
• Tights and Fishnet stockings 
• Trips to Sleepy Hollow and Salem, MA 
• Renting rowboats in Central Park 
• Alfresco dining at beautiful restaurants 
• Cacao color palates 
• Olive and tan clothes 
• Antique shopping on weekend trips away 
• Cute and intimate cottage trips 
• Renaissance faires 
• Camping 
• Scenic train rides 
• Fall festivals 
• Rewatching all the Halloween movies on Disney+
• Gilmore Girls 
• Game nights with friends 
• Pumpkin-flavored everything 
• Apple picking 
• Apple cider 
• Haunted houses 
• Fall crafts 
• Hayrides 
• Bonfire parties 
• Corn mazes 
• Smores 
• Paint & Sip, Drink & Draw, Drink and Draft parties 
• Museum hopping 
• Farmers markets 
• Movies in the park 
• Harry Potter marathons 
• At-home date nights spent cuddling on the couch 
• Cozy blankets 
• Fall tablescapes 
• Costumes! 
• Seasonal nail art 
• Apartment fall/Halloween decor 
• Seasonal cocktails
• Rooftop Happy hours 
• Berry and nudy-brown lipsticks 
• Fall foliage hikes 
• Farm-to-table dining upstate 
• Wellness retreats in the countryside 
• Farm visits 
• Reading by the fire 
• Dinner parties 
• Crisp mornings 
• Chilly nights 
• Old Hollywood movie marathons 
• Journaling under the stars 

Photo by Peter Thomas

I’m going to keep this post simple and bittersweet. Mainly because I’m writing for me today, and not to contribute anything monumental to the world (although I hope someone can find this post relatable). But I like to keep it real, and the truth is, I’ve been struggling. In what feels like every aspect of life. 

I’ve been lying to myself and saying that I can handle life on my own when in reality, I want and need an intimate support system. I need deep connection, even though I sometimes find intimac tobe draining. Why, because life feels overwhelming right now. The state of humanity is overwhelming. And the idea of enduring one more emotion truly makes me thing I'll implode. 

The daily stories I see/read on the news have brought on a decently strong episode of depression. I usually cry and spiral after seeing/reading about another traumatic event. The news makes me question every aspect of my life (and humanity as a whole), and I'm truly starting to fear that there is more hate in the world than love.

But I don't want to live my life that way! I want to see the good in people, but I feel quite jaded. 

I want to stay an informed citizen & help the causes I believe in, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the hate, pain, and trauma in the world. There’s so much going on globally and locally. And I feel like a terrible person for not dedicating my life to helping our planet and society heal. 

I feel guilty for wanting to pursue my dreams when the world is burning all around us. But at the same time, my life is ultimately finite, and I want to make it as beautiful, fun, and fulfilling as possible while I have the opportunity to do so. 

The act of balancing the grief I feel for the world while also pursuing my own version of happiness seems to get tougher and tougher each day.

But the news isn't the only thing contributing to my existential crisis. The fear that I’ll never get married, will have to wait a decade to have kids, and will have to raise them as a single parent because I'll need to select their father from a catalog at a sperm bank truly makes me lose my very fragile, burned-out mind. 

And lastly, there is one ugly truth that has been haunting me all year. I hate admitting this, but I'm allowing my fear of change and failure to hold me back from creating an extraordinary career, love life,  and lifestyle for myself.

 Looking in the mirror is hard, and I hate it! The irony in all of this is, I had to face these hard truths while traveling to beautiful destinations to be a bridesmaid in two weddings. There's nothing like being an overweight (my doctor's words, not mine, so don't come for me), single bridesmaid in your late 20s, in two weddings... within 7 days of eachother, that will give you a brutal reality check. 

If there’s anything that can make a woman feel like a failure in life, it's being surrounded by other people in love who are achieving every milestone, all while your life continues to be one big shit show.  Sometimes I think I'll fall into an abyss or collapse from the pain and loneliness that comes from realizing I'm lightyears away from creating the family I desperately desire.

That’s the beauty of being a woman: we possess the emotional capacity to be blindly happy for the people we love and celebrate them fully, while also battling depression and being terrified of staying stuck in this current phase of life. You can be so grateful to be exploring a beautiful new city, and also carrying around crippling depression. The emotional capacity we possess is truly unmatched.

The delusional story I’ve been telling myself (aka I can do bad all by myself) came crashing down on my 8 hr plane ride back to NYC. I watched “Ingrid goes west” and ended up quietly sobbing because I related to the main character’s intense feeling of loneliness and her heart-breaking confession that she feels hopeless and broken.

Although I was quite embarrassed to have cried in public, I was so proud of myself for immediately thinking, “Nia, if you’re not happy with the life you’ve created, create the life you want. Put in the effort to build the career of dreams instead of watching 5 hrs of netflix each night! Put in the effort to date so you can attract the right guy. Find a way to drastically increase your income so you can look into a.) living alone in the NYC area and b.) buying an apartment like most of your friends are doing. Freeze your eggs so you can stop freaking out about your biological clock! No one ever achieved their dreams by feeling sorry for themselves.” Yay me for positive, constructive thinking!

 Instead of wasting time having a pity party this week, I’ve been telling myself these three narratives.

a.) Every painful situation in life is temporary. But the grass will never be greener unless I train my mind to seek the beauty out even in the heaviest of times.

b.) I know that my stagnation in life is solely based on my actions, well if we’re being honest, inactions. I haven’t had the energy to do anything above the bare minimum, and that is something I'm trying to forgive myself for. But since I made my mess, that means I’m in control and very capable of cleaning it up!

And c.) suffering is optional. Obstacles, pain, grief, and problems are guaranteed in life… but suffering? Well outside of extreme cases, suffering is usually caused by us mentally beating ourselves up. And that’s a habit that we can all break by accepting help and through deep reflection.

So in closing, my little quarter-life crisis in the sky was the exact pain push I needed to get off my arse and leisurely hustle for the lifestyle and love life I want and deserve. Let’s see how extraordinary I can make my little corner of the world in 5 months. Tatah for now hauxs. And thanks for spending a little piece of your day with me. Your support means everything to me.