Photo by Peter Thomas

I’m going to keep this post simple and bittersweet. Mainly because I’m writing for me today, and not to contribute anything monumental to the world (although I hope someone can find this post relatable). But I like to keep it real, and the truth is, I’ve been struggling. In what feels like every aspect of life. 

I’ve been lying to myself and saying that I can handle life on my own when in reality, I want and need an intimate support system. I need deep connection, even though I sometimes find intimac tobe draining. Why, because life feels overwhelming right now. The state of humanity is overwhelming. And the idea of enduring one more emotion truly makes me thing I'll implode. 

The daily stories I see/read on the news have brought on a decently strong episode of depression. I usually cry and spiral after seeing/reading about another traumatic event. The news makes me question every aspect of my life (and humanity as a whole), and I'm truly starting to fear that there is more hate in the world than love.

But I don't want to live my life that way! I want to see the good in people, but I feel quite jaded. 

I want to stay an informed citizen & help the causes I believe in, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the hate, pain, and trauma in the world. There’s so much going on globally and locally. And I feel like a terrible person for not dedicating my life to helping our planet and society heal. 

I feel guilty for wanting to pursue my dreams when the world is burning all around us. But at the same time, my life is ultimately finite, and I want to make it as beautiful, fun, and fulfilling as possible while I have the opportunity to do so. 

The act of balancing the grief I feel for the world while also pursuing my own version of happiness seems to get tougher and tougher each day.

But the news isn't the only thing contributing to my existential crisis. The fear that I’ll never get married, will have to wait a decade to have kids, and will have to raise them as a single parent because I'll need to select their father from a catalog at a sperm bank truly makes me lose my very fragile, burned-out mind. 

And lastly, there is one ugly truth that has been haunting me all year. I hate admitting this, but I'm allowing my fear of change and failure to hold me back from creating an extraordinary career, love life,  and lifestyle for myself.

 Looking in the mirror is hard, and I hate it! The irony in all of this is, I had to face these hard truths while traveling to beautiful destinations to be a bridesmaid in two weddings. There's nothing like being an overweight (my doctor's words, not mine, so don't come for me), single bridesmaid in your late 20s, in two weddings... within 7 days of eachother, that will give you a brutal reality check. 

If there’s anything that can make a woman feel like a failure in life, it's being surrounded by other people in love who are achieving every milestone, all while your life continues to be one big shit show.  Sometimes I think I'll fall into an abyss or collapse from the pain and loneliness that comes from realizing I'm lightyears away from creating the family I desperately desire.

That’s the beauty of being a woman: we possess the emotional capacity to be blindly happy for the people we love and celebrate them fully, while also battling depression and being terrified of staying stuck in this current phase of life. You can be so grateful to be exploring a beautiful new city, and also carrying around crippling depression. The emotional capacity we possess is truly unmatched.

The delusional story I’ve been telling myself (aka I can do bad all by myself) came crashing down on my 8 hr plane ride back to NYC. I watched “Ingrid goes west” and ended up quietly sobbing because I related to the main character’s intense feeling of loneliness and her heart-breaking confession that she feels hopeless and broken.

Although I was quite embarrassed to have cried in public, I was so proud of myself for immediately thinking, “Nia, if you’re not happy with the life you’ve created, create the life you want. Put in the effort to build the career of dreams instead of watching 5 hrs of netflix each night! Put in the effort to date so you can attract the right guy. Find a way to drastically increase your income so you can look into a.) living alone in the NYC area and b.) buying an apartment like most of your friends are doing. Freeze your eggs so you can stop freaking out about your biological clock! No one ever achieved their dreams by feeling sorry for themselves.” Yay me for positive, constructive thinking!

 Instead of wasting time having a pity party this week, I’ve been telling myself these three narratives.

a.) Every painful situation in life is temporary. But the grass will never be greener unless I train my mind to seek the beauty out even in the heaviest of times.

b.) I know that my stagnation in life is solely based on my actions, well if we’re being honest, inactions. I haven’t had the energy to do anything above the bare minimum, and that is something I'm trying to forgive myself for. But since I made my mess, that means I’m in control and very capable of cleaning it up!

And c.) suffering is optional. Obstacles, pain, grief, and problems are guaranteed in life… but suffering? Well outside of extreme cases, suffering is usually caused by us mentally beating ourselves up. And that’s a habit that we can all break by accepting help and through deep reflection.

So in closing, my little quarter-life crisis in the sky was the exact pain push I needed to get off my arse and leisurely hustle for the lifestyle and love life I want and deserve. Let’s see how extraordinary I can make my little corner of the world in 5 months. Tatah for now hauxs. And thanks for spending a little piece of your day with me. Your support means everything to me. 

Sweet summer is upon us once again, and my top priority for the season is focusing on the here and now while being grateful for everything that is in my life. And let me tell you, I've been working hard to stay in an abundant mindset. I'm talking daily journaling, affirmation card readings, prayer sessions, and mental health workshops because everyone says consistency is key. And I hate to admit it.. but "they" are right. 

So although my life is farrr from perfect, I am finding beauty in every single day I am blessed enough to walk this earth. There are so many small, frugal ways to add luxury into our lives - and for me, luxury leads to the feeling of abundance. 

A Venti Camel Cream Ice Cold Brew coffee from Starbucks fills me with so much joy, especially when paired with an inspiring podcast and a long walk on the waterfront boardwalk in jersey city. 

Cooking pasta while drinking an Aperol Spritz and enjoying the meal on my rooftop with a white table cloth and candles to set the ambiance. 

Reading a juicy book under a shady tree in the park with a fresh bowl of fruit

Watching the sunset while I paint outside

These are some of my favorite ways to add luxury and get into a state of abundance. As I count down the days until my European getaway, I am adding sweet and simple traditions to my life. Because summer is meant to be thoroughly enjoyed. It's a season of adventure, wanderlust, and play. So cheers to acting up, acting out, and showing ourselves all the love we need. 

Oops.... I've gone months without posting on my site. Yikes! It's getting to the point where I feel like a freaking broken record. Consistency is HARDDD, especially when you're battling depression and anxiety. But as I am blessed to see another year around the sun, I am ready to make fewer excuses for my level of progress and instead be curious as to why I hold on to certain limiting beliefs and why I do (or don't do) certain things. That is one of the key components to experiencing fulfillment and happiness where we are now, while also staying motivated to pursue our aspirations. Because curiosity leads to questions. Questions lead to brainstorming. And brainstorming leads to problem-solving. So as we jump into the second month of 2023,  I hope you show yourself kindness by being curious instead of judging yourself. 

And now, on to the fun stuff! I've really enjoyed a slower start to the year. Work has been pretty busy, but I've been going out less and staying in more. And I've been relishing in more simple pleasures. Plus, when it is 6 degrees outside, it's pretty hard to have fomo, because there aren't many things that can compel me to leave my apartment when it's that cold outside. 

Monthly Muses 

Green Goddess 

I am rapidly becoming obsessed with the color green, and I'd love to believe that my allure to this color is because my subconscious knows I'm stepping into a huge season of growth and flourishing. I am so excited to wear this dress out and about in NYC, along with a few other green enables I've curated. 

Fun Valentine's Day Nails 

I haven't had fake nails in years but wow... I feel like a whole new boujee bitch! I feel so feminine and dainty! Who knew that an $8 amazon purchase could bring me sooooo much joy 

Planning Porto, Portugal

One of my good friends is getting married in Portugal this summer! We were living together when she started dating her fiance, and now I get to experience them saying "I do" in one of the most magical cities in the world! And because we were roommates in jersey city for multiple years, a ton of our mutual friends with be attending the wedding (including some of my best friends who now live around the globe). Let the outfit planning and excursion research begin!! 

Weekend nights at home 

I told yall that I was going out less and staying in more. I injured my foot the other week, so I had to skip some workouts to rest. That included missing my Friday pole class and saying no to a night of dancing with friends at a local bar last Friday. I took this mandatory rest time as an opportunity to cook a fancy meal, give myself a valentine's day manicure, and batch-film fashion content. It's some of the most fun I've had in ages.. and I didn't spend a dime! 

All the murder mystery books, tv shows & movies. 

I watched Knives Out 1 and 2 last month and became obsessed with the murder mystery genre again. I then proceeded to binge-watch 3 seasons of Nany Drew (there's a supernatural twist that makes the show so so good!). And now I'm listening to The Silent Patient on Audible and reading Rock, Paper, Scissors while I'm on the train. What should I add to my list next?

Games Games Games 

Why did I wait 29 years to play shuffleboard!!?? I went two weekends ago for the first time and had a blast! After venturing out to Brooklyn, I met up with a few friends in FiDi to go to the swanky lounge Recreation to grab drinks, play board games, and skeeball. I just can't enjoy basic bars now.... the BAR has been set too high now (I can never resist an opportunity to use a pun).  

I am grateful that I've been experiencing more joy lately. December was a really dark month for me, so it's refreshing to see that with a little bit of effort, gloomy days don't have to last forever. And even with the smallest drop of faith, we can drastically improve our quality of life faster than one might think. Cheers to putting in the work and proving all the doubters wrong. Until next time! 

Ah, it finally feels like autumn is in full swing! October is probably my favorite month of the year. Between the festive and spooky decor, fall activities, Halloween costumes, events and celebrations, perfect weather, and fall fashion - October is abundant with magical moments. I firmly believe in romanticizing your life, and October makes it extremely easy to do so. 

This evening, I want to list all the things I love about fall and schedule a ton of activities (small and large) to soak up the season. I'm talking about trips to the farmers market, apple picking, baking days, cozy movie marathons, decorating, fall foliage trips, outdoor movie nights, and on and on. But for some reason, I keep hitting this huge wall of resistance that's telling me not to bother dreaming about the lifestyle I want because it's not going to happen. So I'm learning to sit with the doubt and sorrow and say "ok, I hear you brain, but these thoughts aren't facts or helpful so keep it moving brain. I'm not listening to those mean self-deprecating thoughts." 

I'm sure that waking up sick contributed to my negative thoughts spiral because all of my productive plans got thrown out the window. But at the same time, I'm learning to relish these slow days that force me to rest and are void of running around the city, void of heavy drinking, and therefore; void of crippling hangovers. So since my Sunday has been dedicated to catching up on sleep and rest, here are a few fun and frugal fall things I'm scheduling for myself this week: 

• Put up fall and Halloween decor 

• Sit down and create my budget for the rest of the year while treating myself to a pumpkin spice latte. 

• Make some extra cash through my favorite rating site - usertesting.com 

• Squeeze in a few pole and pilates classes this week (as long as I'm not sick) 

• Photograph and post all the fall pieces I've been trying to sell on curtsy 

• Spend Sunday planning and scheduling my upcoming week 

• Create my weekly menu and meal prep 

• Connect with new guys on dating apps... if I feel up to it. TBH, I HATE using dating apps, but I would love to find the right partner, and I'm aware that I need to put in the work to meet him. During the process, I keep reminding myself that what I'm seeking is also seeking me. So cheers to all of us who are focusing on cultivating healthy and happy relationships with ourselves and others. 

• Edit all the video footage I filmed last weekend. 

• Catch up on a few career and business masterclasses - I've been craving a mini fall work retreat via a pretty cabin in the woods. Imagine jetting off to a cute cabin in the woods and working on your dreams by the fireplace, sipping on a glass of wine, and looking out at a beautiful lake while the sun sets. DREAMY!!  I haven't been showing up for my some of my dreams lately and that's just not the type of person I want to be. I want to make myself proud and that starts with showing up for my business. 

• And last but certainly not least, planning my fall capsule wardrobe, I am in desperate need of all things leather - leather trench coat, leather pants, leather dresses and leather combat boots in multiple colors. Fall fashion is truly the best.